ASD Is Not My Identity

Faith is a huge factor in my life, it has been ever since I was a kid going to an orthodox synagogue. I loved the ritual, the keeping of the commandments, the fact that the Bible tells the history of my ancestors. By the time my Bar Mitzvah came, I was ready to go even further on in Judaism, and it came to the point where my rabbi wanted me to go to study in one of the major yeshivas in our branch of Judaism. This was also the same year I entered a severe depression (which led to multiple suicide attempts). 

While I was in the hospital, they diagnosed me with Asperger's, and that was that. They threw pills at me, but no suggestions of therapy which did not benefit me at all. I got out of hospital, and carried on with my life. I ended up going to yeshiva, and it was there I started to figure out who I was, who I was called to be, and who the Jewish Messiah is. I am, to this day, able to carry on a rabbinic debate which has served me well in the ministry God has called me to. However now that I'm in my 30s, I'm feeling the effects of of only being medicated and not having counselling to aid in my treatment, but there is hope! 

It was at age 23 I made a decision to follow Jesus—know by His Jewish disciples by His Hebrew name Yeshua— and it was the hardest but best decision I've made. Eight years later I find myself in my second last year in Bible College (majoring in Pastoral Theology, with a focus on Jewish ministry), and loving what God is doing, however I've also learned that while Asperger's is not my identity, I still need to deal with the underlying issues and not just sweep them under the carpet. Yeshua is the answer, no matter what the problem, is. I don't care if you're the most observant Jew since rabbi Akiva, or you're the biggest atheist since Dawkins. All of our problems, our struggles, and our needs find their solution and fulfilment in Him! I'm not saying life is going to be perfect, but it is easier knowing that we are more than victors in Him!

I've learned a lot about myself, my emotions and my identity these last few weeks of school. I've also been reminded of the importance of having a great group of friends, including the one friendship that is above all others, the friendship of Messiah. I've dealt with a lot this semester, and it has wreaked havoc on my emotions, perceptions, and relationships. Our life experiences dictate—if we let them— our perceptions of things, as do our emotions. Our emotions will lie to us because they're usually based off of our experiences and situations of past times. They can run a foul too if they’re unchecked. We cannot allow our past to dictate our perception and interpretation of what is going on in our lives. Our emotions, too, must be in check less we go on the attack and end up hurting people we love. I am not saying its always going to be easy (especially if you are a person living on the spectrum, meltdowns are sometimes unavoidable for us), but we can walk more freely. My anchor is my saviour, and as the old hymn states: 

“What a Friend we have in Jesus,

  All our sins and griefs to bear!

What a privilege to carry

  Everything to God in prayer!

O what peace we often forfeit,

  O what needless pain we bear,

All because we do not carry

  Everything to God in prayer!”

As I was praying this morning (I still pray the traditional services found in the siddur, my siddur of choice is Tehillat HaShem as I am from a Chabad background), I hit Psalm 149:4-6, "For HaShem takes pleasure in His people, and He will beautifully cover them in salvation. The pious shall rejoice in glory, and on their beds they shall sing loudly! Let the high praises of God be in their mouths, a doubled edged sword in their hand." (Translation mine) Many times I've read through this (after all this psalm is said every morning of the year), but in my current emotional state it struck me hard, I heard the Holy Spirit speak to me so clearly.

You see I woke up this morning feeling anxious, depressed, which has been my reality these past few months, then this psalm hit me hard to the point of tears this morning. I pray this psalm in Hebrew every day, it’s part of the morning liturgy, but I heard God say to me, “you know this, you know me, what are you doing?! Am I not greater than the enemy who’s trying to rob you of your joy and identity?! Walk in my praise, I’m your identity, not your Asperger’s. I’ve placed people in your life not for you to dump all over, but to walk alongside you.”

I cried for about a quarter of an hour, it’s amazing how foolish I’ve been. The victory is God's, the battle has already been won, and those of us who are disciples of the Lord Yeshua are more than conquerors! By no means am I saying we won't struggle, Scripture is quite clear believers will have trials, but we must remember to keep our eyes on Him who overcame the grave, who gives us all that we need and then some. Like the old hymn states, we really do forfeit true peace and we really do bear needless pain when we forget the Lord. There is no lasting peace except the peace that comes from knowing Yeshua, and if you've not yet made Him Lord over your life, what's stopping you? If you have made Him Lord in your life, keep pressing in, even if it seems like the waters are quickly rising over your head. Yeshua is the way, the truth, and the life, He has the power to deliver you. Feel free to comment, or ask questions in the comment section.

Have a great week.